About Me

This is an unsettling, highly subjective and sometimes not even quite true journal of my way through my middle years: a mixture of attempts at mindfulness and simply feeling quite mean and miffed about stuff.

Plus the odd confession about leering at pretty young men.

Comment welcomed.

And if you like some of what I write, please consider a donation to the National Autistic Society – thank you:

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/autism-awareness-jill-finch

Dirty

-mouthed and childishly proud of it, I’d like to think I can call a c*** a c*** where absolutely necessary.

In reality, I don’t swear out loud very often as I live in the posher part of South Croydon (just outside London, England) and my daughter has lovely friends and so I want the Mummies to like me, but I do it in my head all the fucking day long.

My Dad will be so upset.

Permanently slightly crustily bare-footed, sometimes irregularly showered, happy-to-share-the-bed-with-pets type of dirty, not tramp dirty.

Naked

Surprisingly naive, comfortably open, sharing, candid, expressive… and proud of it.  I’m self-confident enough to believe I couldn’t possibly have much to lose by being myself.  People say I’m too nice and mean it as a criticism.  I smile sweetly and call them a c*** in my head.

Sometimes veering towards blatant and flagrant in opinion… and as I get older, no longer fussed about suppressing it.  Never nasty or bitter but learning to be forthright.  Not a feelings-hurter by any means but not so much of a doormat either.

…and happy to leave the house without make-up on.

By most people’s standards, I’ve let myself go.

I am at a lower point than a combination of every single woman who has ever been patronisingly made-over on Lorraine and This Morning put together.

The trouble is, although I should be motivated to scrub up and make an effort, I’m…

Happy

…and I know it and I’m clapping my chubby little hands in gay abandon.  Yeah, fuck you cynics, I’m genuinely happy.  Life ain’t always easy but I was lucky to be born with a half-full cup, I seriously love my life:

I’m alive, current weight and lifestyle means I’m technically playing roulette with the long-term health but I’ll get on top of that eventually…

Happily married, limited sex life due to beautiful [Aspergers Syndrome] daughter sleeping in our bed every single night and being clamped to my side all the day, but hubby and I still able to laugh together til we can’t breathe, and miss each other terribly when we’re apart…

Two stinking-little-ratbag dogs who bark incessantly and sometimes bite people.  One of them refuses to stay housetrained – and if she’s not shitting somewhere in the house, she’s eating shit – but they get me out of the house walking in beautiful places and breathing fresh air and they are excellent hot water bottles (if you hold your breath).  Also, nice old cat, lovely non-scratching type.

Mother-in-law installed in the granny annexe, occasionally claustrophobia-inducing, but she does all the ironing…

Not many close friends, but those I have are genuine and treasured.

Some people think we’re bonkers and odd but I’m not so bothered about them as I know it’s jealousy because I am so blinking HAPPY.

Photo Credit: Karva Javi Flickr via Compfight cc

25 Comments

  1. Janine van Rooij says

    hahahaha so wonderful to read this! You go girl, as one of my dearest friends would say!

    Like

  2. OMG I am so happy to meet you!

    I saw a post of yours on a friends FB page and HAD to read it, then comment and (hope you don’t mind) shared it on my blog.

    Now I read this and I’m thinking you’re amazing!

    x

    Like

  3. Fiona says

    Love, love, loved your post. I just read your #istandquietly and it moved me to tears. I am so glad that your daughter has you as her Mum. In admiration. F

    Like

  4. Dave says

    It is so good to see something so refreshingly honest. People have complained about my daughter who is ‘different’ so I congratulate them for having raised perfect arseholes and being such a model parent. Most don’t reply

    Like

  5. Mike says

    First time I have ever felt compelled to comment on a blog, but having read #I stand quietly, I wanted to say how great it was.

    We have 2 adopted kids, and my little man (8) has Attachment Disorder. Not the same as Aspegers/Autism, but my god there is a hell of a lot of similar issues that we deal with.

    Like you, I don’t give 2 shits what people think, but that doesn’t always make it any easier, does it.

    Thanks again – X

    Like

  6. Lindsey Glaeser says

    Thank you for your beautiful poem and website. It’s always surprisingly wonderful and reassuring when another parent opens up about parenting their astonishingly non-neurotypical kids. I loathe the phrase though, but sometimes it is more palatable to teachers and other parents than autistic, which immediately makes them think of the rocking, stimming, non-verbal stereotype. Where did THAT come from by the way?

    My daughter Erin is now 14. She’s made mind boggling progress from that whirling, acutely sensory defensive, silent toddler, who spent her days listening to the same song over and over and over; who couldn’t play with other children because as we later learnt, they were too close and loud; who stacked and stored and ordered everything according to some internal logic that we could never hope to understand; who even now, only eats “smooth and white”. I can go on and on. You know the story. We were told that “she’ll grow out of it” Well, she’s grown up with it, and she’s fucking fantastic. It’s been hard, that kind of hard that only another parent of a child with ASD knows. It’s still hard. I’ve had to become a tireless, tiresome advocate and campaigner – with everyone. My marriage broke under the strain, my younger daughter has an anxiety disorder and I’ve been sectioned 3 times.

    Erin is still the best daughter, sister, friend that I could ever hope for.

    Keep writing,
    With much love to you, your daughter and your dogs,

    Lindsey Glaeser
    Johannesburg

    Like

  7. We used to live in Thornton Heath, is it still as posh as it was? We moved away from London and I have to say we are much happier for it, plus London is only an hour away 🙂

    Like

    • Lol, yes Thornton Heath is still brimful of organic delicatessens, bakeries and micro breweries, and South London’s best branches of Whistles, Hobbs and of course, my favourite, the Selfridges Local!!

      I get you, but we’re currently grateful for a pay check that comes from advertising and the hours are long enough, daren’t make the commute any longer 😄

      Like

      • When we left, we had just had our first child, so it seemed the perfect time to move lol. We were extremely lucky that we brought our new house where we did, as we literally had no idea about the place we moved to, I wouldn’t advise it to anyone but as I said we hit pay dirt here. I have 2 girls, both of whom have Aspergers, they are both so highly intelligent but have absolutely no common sense. They are 11 & 15 (almost 12 & 16) and both excel at school, and are very popular (which I’m so grateful for). I think with asperger’s kids it take one day at a time, but then this is what we’re used to. We had the same problem with the girls sleeping in our bed, we thought it would never end, but suddenly it did. It was like a light switch as soon as the oldest was about 9 that was it, the youngest did the same thing when she was about 10. They have both slept in their own rooms since. So you never know, one day you’ll get your bed back 🙂

        Like

  8. This is probably the cleverest “about” page I’ve ever read. And wow, a perfect blog title. And you’re hilarious. You’ve got all that going for you; where is the justice?? (;

    Like

  9. Love your Style!!! you have made my day, literally, in providing a wonderful happy perspective to being a parent to a daughter with ASD – just like it is 😀 Your talent for writing is unparalleled and I am going to do my level best to promote you as much as possible in my own journey of – toafricawithautism.com

    Like

      • Well when travelling in warmer weather – I’m hoping will reduce the clothes argument 🙂 tbh – I have no idea how it will work out – but if we take it slow and easy we should be fine. I will definitely be tapping into your sense of humour to keep going 😀 xx

        Like

  10. hi and i love your ‘about’ page, it’s one of the most refreshing and honest pages i’ve encountered so far. thanks for reading and following my blog, it’s filled with all kinds of things, not always a rhyme or reason for them, but that’s how my brain works. i look forward to reading more from you – best, beth

    Like

    • Beth – I thought I followed you ages ago but I’d realised you never came up in my reader… thought maybe you only blogged rarely but have now realised you are prolific!! Looking forward to catching up. Thanks about the About page… er, weird sentence… XX

      Liked by 1 person

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