The Power of Words

A woman on the other side of the world who I don’t know has just had confirmation that she is dying and my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

I had to hide in the bathroom, press my face on the cold tiles and fight back tears.

I don’t even know why I started following her blog.  I can’t remember how I came upon it.

She generally writes about how broken she is, really raw stuff about good and bad sex and love and hate; I love to voyeur on her life, she writes as the fierce passionate visceral woman that I long to be, we are a similar age and she makes me feel like I haven’t lived.

She has really lived.  Mental, physical and substance abuse; dreams followed, achieved and crushed.  Or she can really write.  I’m not sure.  Can one’s life be so fiercely lived?

Maybe it can, but perhaps the consequence is that you live the cliché: your flame burns brightly and therefore more quickly.

I have sat in the dark and read her blog consumed with the strongest conflicting emotions: disgust and envy, desire and shame.

I might love her.

I can’t bring myself to link to her blog, I don’t want to share her in case someone else doesn’t feel the same about her.  Finds her tawdry or toneless or meh.

And all just words.  I don’t even know if they are true.  There’s no law that says blogs must be autobiographical, she could be a complete work of fiction.

In the post that announced her terminal illness, she also, for the first time, mentioned her children.  She was vulnerability and mess, feelings of inadequacy that I identified with rather than idolised.  It made me sorry.  Maybe she wasn’t who she wrote at all.

Either which way, soon she will be gone.

It will be weird now, reading each post, wondering if it is the last, her power diminishing.

I had already decided to start blogging again.  It brings me pleasure.  It’s for me and I don’t need to justify that further.  She has bolstered me to find the courage to write exactly how and when I want.

This is for her.

6 thoughts on “The Power of Words

  1. I am sorry the blog has had such an effect on you. It must be a horrible place to be in though knowing that your time is short. Hopefully she still has a while left yet.

    Hugs to you.

    Torie x

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    1. I am sorry for her but not me… I am lucky to have been so affected by her.

      What an amazing thing to touch someone and to be so touched by words alone.

      It was in homage to her mostly as I don’t feel I have any right to feel sad myself as such, I honestly don’t know who she is…

      …other than a great writer.

      Thank you xxxx

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  2. What is her blog? She sounds like a great woman and, to me, her blog sounds like one I would read. On the 24 October a man who writes about his youngest daughter shared that she had died. They had just found out her Cancer was back for the 8th time. Juliana was just 14 years old. I’ve been following them for many years now, and even though I have never met this family, in person, over the years I’ve gotten to know them so well, they feel like part of my own family. I’m so sorry about your friend and will keep you all in my prayers xox

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  3. You have every right to feel sad.
    When other people touch us deeply through their words or actions or art and those people have their lives curtailed, I believe it is a normal response.
    Glad to see you blogging again.
    Many blessings
    Richard x

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