I am guilty of many of the modern overs. Overthinking, overparenting, overindulging, overanalysing, overcommitting, oversharing…
That’s the overall problem with society: overage.
Us humans moping about with our first world problems wondering what to do with all this leisure time, choice and abundance. Overavailability. Too few limits. With the end of scarcity, I sometimes think meaningful human evolution may now stagnate.
Scarcity kept us keen, abundance gave us the Kardashians. And Krispy Kremes. And “kitchen designers” in budget DIY stores…
I revel in the double meaning of the statement: there is no need.
Personal blogging… if ever there was a symptom of our modern malaise. Oversharing, overopinionating, overestimating one’s comedic and poetic abilities. Twitter. Overwhelming. SnapChat. Instagram. Vine. Tinder. Etc. Etc. Etc. Overdose.
And now we have Bill, as featured in my previous post, the well-turn-my-pants-inside-out-whilst-I-am-still-wearing-them meme of posting sarcastic things about using social media on social media.
Social media, reality TV and vajazzling. All examples of modern human endeavour (alongside Krispy Kremes and having your kitchen designed by a teenager in a DIY store) that should form a new proverb: Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should.
As I now unveil to the world, the new hip cool go-to word for 2016: SPANKING
SPANKING: Still Partaking Although Now Knowing It’s Not Good *
I know, as acronyms go, it’s a push isn’t it. It is rather debatable whether missing lots of sleep to crack out that nugget was worth it, but that’s the beautiful wondrousness of it, I was SPANKING even when I was trying to come up with SPANKING.
AND it already means “very good”. What doubletasticness. What modern ironicness. Squeaking with joy.
SPANKING is such a primal urge. We’re not allowed to do it to our kids anymore and it’s such a lovely mouth-pleasing word, it would be a travesty for it to fall into everyday obsolescence, used only by the S&M community. SPANKING is ripe for a new updated meaning.
Let’s see it in action:
The over-opinionated Katie Hopkins (my favourite prat) loves a good SPANKING.
For sociopaths, The Apprentice; for commonplace plebs, C5’s Big Brother and for celebs The Jump: all SPANKING telly.
Giving that Trump guy air time = SPANKING with Donald.
IT. SO. WORKS.
I am going to devote myself to getting SPANKING to catch on. Success criteria: mentioned on This Morning, BBC Breakfast and my ultimate SPANKING read: The Daily Mail.
Use it on Facebook now:
In Primarni scooping up armfuls of cheap beachwear even though I know that to produce clothing this cheap, someone is suffering somewhere up the supply chain. Don’t hate me girls, we all love a good SPANKING!
Use it at work:
Despite the introduction of the 5p levy, we still see 35% of customers requesting plastic carrier bags, rising to 65% of customers who purchase Heston-branded products and 90% of customers who purchase alcohol, tobacco products and condoms together. This leads us to conclude that our customer categorisations of “indulgent” and “impulse” purchasers are open-minded about SPANKING.
It’s so much more satisfying than the Bill meme. Meem? MeeMee? Mermer? Memm? I fricking hate that word, let’s move on and get SPANKING into our everyday lives and vocabulary.
Come on. Rallying call to action: as you go about your day, think about how you could over-share with the world that you just did something SPANKING.
Featured image is taken from that Athena “Tennis” poster, an essential part of any credible SPANKING art collection.
* EDITED FEB, 4: The original acronym was “Still Partaking Alas Now Knowing It’s Not Good”, conceived in the dark bowels of early hours insomnia. A cherished reader of this post suggested the slightly less unwieldy ‘Although’ as substitute for ‘Alas’, which although less awkward, is, alas, less awkward (yer get me?) but probably more memorable. I feel honoured to have a reader who takes the time to comment so with pleasure I stand amended and we shall jointly and severally go down in history for SPANKING.