[Very low brow content warning] Forty-something Mum, online now, waiting to chat…

This whole week has mainly been “bad sensories” stuck-in-the-bedroom days and I am not handling it with mindful philosophical calmness.  Bedroom days can either be nice contemplation and napping days or “pick at the scab at the edge of your sanity and eat it” days.  Mainly, this week has been the latter.

Stuck on a bed with a sad little girlie who is feeling terrible in her own skin, and is too scared to be by herself (definition of ‘by herself’ = about 3 metres away from me), my mind haemorrhages increasingly odd, paranoid thoughts and seeks all kinds of perverse diversion.

Since I’ve been a stay-at-home Mum, (let alone a stuck-in-the-house-with-the-worried-autistic-kid mum), I have really missed water-cooler-type conversations.

That quick exchange about the weather, last night’s TV or the state of the nation with some random cute lad from Finance; if you were lucky, a joust with the IT director about the shit printer or the bristling miserable HR woman about the work summer party (lack of).

Run-Inspo_6I like to chat to strangers.  Feel the comfort of strangers.  Freak out the nice women who work in Waitrose:

“So are you off to work then?  You’re a little late for work aren’t you?”

“I don’t work.  I am a stay-at-home Mum…”

“Really?  What a lovely easy life, eh?”

“No, not really.  I have an autistic daughter with anxiety, it can be hard work sometimes actually.”

“Oh one of those autistics, I know about autistics.  They don’t have any emotion, do they, but they all have really special talents like maths or doing drawings, don’t they… what’s your one?”

“Sorry?”

“What’s your one’s special ability, then?”

*leaning in very close* “I’ll let you into a secret, they don’t ALL get special talents… I got a shit one, she can’t do anything.”

Watch woman go purple in shock and horror and inhale so quickly and vastly she would have turned herself inside out in embarrassment and confusion if she could’ve.

What a fucking brilliantly awful moment.  I maintained a bright, slightly manic smile and 100% unblinking eye contact as she tried to carry on scanning my items with no idea what else to say.

I was a bit mean I suppose but what an ignorant cow.  NO emotion?  I wish she was in the minority but I still doubt it…  I appreciate my response was pretty ignorant too but FFS.  Sometimes I get weary of awarenessing.  I contributed NOTHING positive to autism awareness that day but I really rottenly enjoyed her bum clenched awkwardness.  Let’s call it my day off.

10923559_10153172590349050_696108491821687094_nI miss talking to random people on the bus too.  It’s not the same as talking to friends.  I seek that never-quite-the-expected edge that you can get when talking to someone who your thigh is pressed up against but who you don’t know at all.

When there’s a weirdo on the bus or the train and everyone else stares at their phones or rummages in their bags, I’m eyes up and smiling waiting to catch their attention, patting the seat next to me…

I had a long chat on a bus once with an old chap, in tears, as his family had pressured him to have his male cat “muted” (I eventually worked that out to be “neutered”) for fighting too much and now “all it does is eat, like a fucking woman”.

I laughed for days.

Now I live for comments.  I’m grateful for likes and retweets but mostly I need comments…

*toggles to Twitter and refreshes, toggles to Facebook and refreshes, toggles back to WordPress, sighs, repeats*

I love and cherish and I am very grateful for the people who comment on my blog.  A lady called The Rain Poet commented a while back with her objection to a jiggly boobs gif I put on a post.  It resulted in a friendly little debate that you can see here.  I should think that she has long forgotten about it but it was the highlight of my also-then incarcerated week.

Albeit just a brief exchange, I was consumed by the encounter with “forty-something feminist” as, unlike that more rigorous woman, I realised I don’t have a defining thingummy to put after “forty-something” when describing myself.  An excellent addition to my mid life crisis, preoccupied me for several days sat on the bed.

421492_10150681398639050_755266863_nLiberal has lost any relevance it once almost had.  Housewife?  Gah.  Atheist is too one-dimensional and sounds scary.  Blogger, please no.  Autism mum – still wrestling with that one.  Croydon woman?  Sounds like I’m on bloody Crimewatch.

Naive?  Rarely used as a noun but I think I warrant it.  Forty-something naive, with a tendency to giggle when she should be serious.  Cursed and blessed.

Weeble.

Forty-something naive weeble.  It almost sounds exotic.

When I am not checking over this blog’s few comments, whilst sat quietly on the bed, I like to look at the usage statistics.

Incidentally, ‘I Stand Quietly’ now has over 494,312 views and still rising.  I find it unbelievable.  I just don’t have the ability to actually process that as a fact that has anything to do with me.  But anyways…

My favourite section of the stats is the list of search engine terms that brought people here.  Can you believe it, there’s someone else out there other than me who is interested to learn “how much do Innocent pay Badrul”!

My forty-something feminist blog commenter felt that me putting jiggly boob gifs on my blog encourages wankers.  I fear we are already way, way beyond that.  Holy mother-fucking (literally, it appears, if searched desires are anything to go by) state of the hating and perverse nation way beyond that.

A blog titled Dirty, Naked and Happy?

Yes, I believed I had thought through the potential consequences of that and I did it anyway, giggling, like a forty-something naive weeble would.

Originally I even thought that I would add a page called “Perv Tracker” and regularly update it with the inappropriate search terms that led poor unsuspecting teenage boys to this essentially just-a-mad-fat-momma blog.  Like a Wall of Fame in honour of all the lazy lobs that I ‘ruined’…

The first few were funny: “nude games” teeheehee – silly boys!!!  “Naked happy friends” – *snorts and chortles* – “naked happy husband”, yes please!!!  “Show me fat naked women that are very beautiful”, OK, still somewhat understandable in terms of sexual preference and the Google algorithms that mistakenly brought that person here.

For those of you who have made it this far, I thank you but I feel I must also warn you that this feckless rambling unedited scab-pick of a post concludes with a summary of the remaining freaky-pervert search terms that lead to this blog.

Those who are leaving at this point, I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.  Those who, like me, revel in peeping at the dirty underbelly of society, sit back and strap yourselves in.

I am surprised to see how much “naughty mother…” stuff is searched for – I don’t get that – what is it about a generic “Mum” type that’s titillating everyone?  Maybe I’m a sex goddess after all.  I know I am intrigued by “naughty fatty indian daddy”.

Also, surprising to see “MY mum…” and saddened to see “my son…” and other inappropriate family combos eeewwwww.  Plus, how can anyone feel the need to search for “naked bad parenting”?!?!?!

It’s not all awful… Who could object to “naked somersaulting” or “jumping boobs” or “young men go naked all day and night for 3 months”?  Not me.

A yawn to the horny types searching for “fat women doing house work naked” and “naked naughty old wrinkles neighbour”.  I suppose the shocking grammar is the least of my worries about the person who wants “nasty things people does do when they naked”.

…and, er, “dirty nude man burp” and the slightly less common (I hope) “naked women farting in swimming pool” and “she wants to fart in my face porn”.  (Note: I like how that is phrased not as “I want her to…” but “she wants to…” jeez, really?)

Then comes “dirty sluts play with poo porn” which marks a rapid descent into a surprising amount of coprophilia.

There’s aspirational research topics such as “what is the female burp piss fart record” and the bizarre “why my leg have dirty poem on peacock” and tragic “a rat porn comic”.

I am intrigued by “naked saggy large curtains”(?!?!?!?!)

Actually scrub that, the penny has just dropped that maybe they don’t mean the ones you hang at windows…

Boik.

My top lip has now been curled back long enough that my teeth have dried out.  I am really really really really really naive. I am no longer giggling quite so much.  Enough already.  I leave you with my mind bogglingly epic unfavourite:

stories of nude women being cooked by cannibals

What. The.  Really?  Yes.

You’re welcome.

31 thoughts on “[Very low brow content warning] Forty-something Mum, online now, waiting to chat…

  1. My search terms (not many since April, when I started blogging as a response to your lovely poem), are all pretty tame. “autism quotient”, “not being able to block out sensory info”, “are ear defenders good for sensory overload”, “mother never said i love you” (very similar to one of my post titles), and a few “I stand quietly” searches.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m a little sad I don’t have any horrifying or funny search terms. It could be that I just don’t blog enough jiggly boobies to attract that kind of traffic.

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        1. No you don’t. And thank goodness for that. You write wonderful compelling thought-provoking pieces that make me want to read on and further… I will email you some feedback when I get some clear time to give your writing the attention it deserves… It’s too sophisticated for me to just bash something out, I wouldn’t do you the disservice of that anyways xxxxxxxx

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I look forward to your feedback. No rush, though. I get that parenting is a full time job.

            Best wishes to you and your wonderful child-person.

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  2. dear 40 something low mum. i am a 50 something happy dad with autistic 5 year old gorl. like your daughter she can be a little horror. like youi feel that people dont understand us and like you at times i feel lonely. but then unlike you although i am english i live in the cz republic.where most people except my daughter. i will not give up on her we have just had our first real holiday in the mountains and are now getting ready for my familly to visit from england.you are not alone and if things work out ok here we are adapting a barn into a cottage to allow people like us to stay and have a holiday.oh and i forgot to mention. before i lefrt england my carreer was support adults with learning difficultys and have sppent the last 20 years working with severe autism. my hardest part was separating the why me what have i done wrong supoort worker dad, into a bollocks lets get on and enjoy my life and prove people wrong dont forget autism isnt a minority diorder its onthe up one way if our daughter is stressed is that we give her a shower this seems to work. anyway must dash she has decided to visit the cows keep intouch and dont forget we are not alone. pete

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Pete! The thought of a holiday in the mountains sounds amazing! I had a ‘why me’ phase too… and also have now achieved the bollocks let’s get on and enjoy life!! Hurrah for us and for visiting cows on a Sunday afternoon – sounds amazing xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh those toes – thank you for that!
    I found your blog via ‘I stand quietly’ ( which resonated on such a personal level – short version: I’m a mum to a recently diagnosed autistic 5yr old boy and it made me cry with relief to know i am not alone so thank you for that too). Anyway, searching the title in greader to subscribe led to lots of naked asians but i found you in the end! Your honesty and take on things is hilarious and refreshing 😊x

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    1. Hahaa!! I LOVE those toes!!! I wish I had discovered them in real life, not just on t’internet! Nice to find another kindred spirit who gets it… Less sure about the other 19 people who’ve read this so far and didn’t comment… LOL! Have a great rainy Sunday. It’s Minecraft madness here – I recommend it if you haven’t discovered it already. xxxxx

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  4. Oh, those toes – thank you!
    I found your blog via ‘I stand quietly’, and cried with relief to realise i wasn’t alone (I have an autistic 5yr old son, recently diagnosed), your honesty and humour is much appreciated in a situation that can be so bloody lonely, so thank you for writing x

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  5. Apologies – bloody wordpress made me write out my comment a 2nd time only to post them both Ffs.

    Minecraft is yet an undiscovered joy for joe (his 10yr old brothers have done it to death so I’m kind of relieved!) He loves buses and washing machines, there are only so many grand days out to currys that i can handle, however youtube is a bus spotters paradise with lots of enthusiastic people filming buses’ comings and goings for others’ viewing pleasure. Sigh…x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😀 that is one aspect of ASD that I feel I have been cheated out of… we haven’t really had a massively narrow obsessive interest yet. Daughter is obsessed with “gaming” but that could be any spoilt 7 year old… we get obsession as fear, incredibly frustrating at times. Thankfully rain phobia e.g. “there was one raindrop so we are going to die in a flood” has passed. Currently all remote controls have to be hidden out of sight, face down, it is irritating especially when the hider of remote control continually forgets and asks me where it is… 🙂 xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I find the obsessions fascinating and alarming in equal measure – I love how the professionals refer to them as ‘special interests’ – doesn’t even come close!

    I’m glad the ‘one raindrop equals a flood’ fear has passed for you – with weather like we’ve had today it would’ve been horrendous. Joe loves this weather i think sunshine can be a bit intense for him. Hark at us chatting about the weather, how very english!!! May your sunday get better xxx😊

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Loved the toes too! I particularly loved the Waitrose story, it made me blow tea down my nose with laughter (nice image, eh?!) We all have times like that and sometimes you can’t help but react the way you did, it’s cathartic!
    Anyway, thanks for making me chortle albeit messily. Just what I needed after a challenging day with my little beast, ahem darling.

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  8. Ok well, now I just have to comment, don’t I? I am a silent reader, not given to posting responses. Well, not so silent really, as I snort and chortle while I am reading. I am very visual, and your descriptions are so vivid, and what a mental picture it is! I discovered you through the viral takeoff of I Stand Quietly, and have faithfully read every post since. I have three children, all teens, none diagnosed ASD, but with severe anxiety, social anxiety, phobias, introverted introversion, etc. and maybe rather Asperger-ish, I have pondered. Also worked in the school system with autistic and anxious kids. Finding the humor is an absolute lifesaver. And finding people who have a similar humor even better!

    Ok, so my amusing story of kids and internet search terms. As a Brownie leader, we do a fun and somewhat gross treat at camp called Armpit Fudge, which involves putting the ingredients in a ziploc sandwich bag, and kneading it in your armpit until it turns to fudge. Needing the ingredient proportions, I googled the recipe name. Well, if you decide to do it, be warned! There are sexual proclivities out there of which I have never dreamed, involving body parts and bodily excretions that I certainly have never connected with a fun time! I was ever so grateful that I had not asked the little girls to find the recipe! But …….. They did like the fudge!

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    1. That is SO funny. I cried laughing at the thought of that! I wish that was my story!!! SO SO funny. Then I told husband who was so visibly distressed by the thought of brownies making armpit fudge that I can only suspect he’s visited a few more varied sites than either of us have. Took the humorous edge off somewhat.

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  9. What is with the toes? Do you think that maybe there are six on each foot and she’s trying to cut off the extras in an incredobly slow and painful way?
    I really need to set up my real computer so I can surf the weirdness of the internet, my hermit life with an immune compromised deaf kid has me thankful my life isn’t worse and revelling in the entertainment she gets from picking out her toe fluff everytime we remove her stockings.
    Thanks for the weird and cringe inducing start to my day, a new set of bizarre subjects to contemplate.

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    1. OMG bless you… that lightness of tone sounds like it hides some hard days. I live in Birkenstocks, I’d forgotten the joys of toe fluff!!

      If it’s any consolation, daughter has a “nugget” in her tummy button that is likely fossillized by now. She has an ‘inny’ with a weird crease that harbours muck which then gradually forms what I suppose is the clammy tummy button dirt equivalent of a pearl. I can say with shameful honesty that I managed to remove it once when she was about 6 months old then when she was about three and a half and not since. She won’t let me near it. I stealth-dab it with Vaseline at night but it generally wakes her up in a psycho rage… I’m sure her first boyfriend will shame her into getting rid of it…

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  10. I’m a Mum to two autistic children; a girl (6) and a boy (4). I too miss real conversations with real people. My communication with people outside of the home for the past year has usually been with teachers to discuss the meltdown the previous night and what had happened to trigger it or the level of my son’s constipation as he won’t eat (anything it feels like) and has a phobia of poo! I miss mindless chats, not having to worry about what will trigger a meltdown if we leave the house and really, I absolutely don’t care about what stampylongnose is doing on youtube nor do I really want to know what the dust lorry is doing (who films dust lorries anyway and then thinks to add them onto youtube?!) I started my own blog just to find a way to communicate with the outside world. I have few followers but I get excited to look at the stats and love to get comments. I feel bad for not working and then I’m rapidly reminded the next day when my daughter fights her melatonin and I’m up late into the night dealing with her worries. There isn’t a way I can get up and function normally in at work.

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      1. LOL!! Wishing you a meltdown free week! I just took a quick glance at your blog – love the Fimo birds, I have similar in clay that were ridiculous price so I will now be copying you to make more 🙂 – you have a new follower! xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Yep, let’s be honest – that was a crap sentiment – I apologise… but deep down, still hoping!!

            We sometimes achieve it here by me writing off any hope of anything happening at all and just allowing 24hour xBox and crisps but even that’s not guaranteed LOL! xxxxx

            Liked by 1 person

    1. Gosh I completely feel for you about the constipation. I hate people who offer cures etc but have you checked for dairy intolerance? Daughter never poo’ed when she was little, for weeks at a time, tummy like a balloon. On so many laxatives, no joy…

      Turned out it was cows milk protein allergy (and not her way of coping emotionally with her hysterical mother, thank you Dr Victorian Mysogynist GP who held up her paediatric referral for months and let her suffer needlessly) whoops, and breathe………

      Yeah – I don’t work as daughter is home ed but I do completely understand the ‘shall I write something on my blog but then not be able to function tomorrow’ 11pm decision making moment!!

      You need to move the kids off stampylongnose onto iballisticsquid and DanTDM – slightly better eye-candy / monologues that you can appreciate the humour in. Feck me, I’ve sunk SO low. I can’t believe I’ve just written that.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Think I’ve had the pleasure of ballistic squid already. I tend to drown it out as back ground noise now but it’s taken months of practise. Son’s constipation was as a result of being to scared to poo and then getting constipated as a result. Such a detailed conversation with the paediatrician, what a joy. Sounds like your daughter had a rough time with it. I’ve had so much ‘helpful’ advice. The best was a suggestion that i had from a family member was to give him more fibre. Yes, because I’m that stupid!!!

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