Do #istandquietly this morning? My big fat arse I do… #epicstrut #boom

Let’s get one thing very clear: despite a very deep desire to be a successful writer (okay, I confess it, argh cringe) I would spend the rest of my days patiently licking big beefy armpits for a living if it meant daughter was happy and permanently free of her sensory processing nightmare.

Please be very clear: I have no issue with having an autistic daughter, I simply have an issue with having a distressed daughter.

This was the first thing I saw in my Inbox this morning:

Congrats, you’ve been Freshly Pressed!

Hi, dirtynakedandhappy,

I’ve selected your post ( https://dirtynakedandhappy.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/i-stand-quietly-istandquietly/ ) for Freshly Pressed, a showcase where we feature editors’ picks and community favorites on WordPress.com.

This is a really powerful piece. I’m so glad to see that others are sharing it, and I’m thrilled to share it with our wider audience as well.

Your post will appear at http://discover.wordpress.com/, which is accessible to logged-in WordPress.com users as well as visitors. If you’d like, you can add a “Featured by Freshly Pressed” badge to your site, which will appear in your widget configuration page in Appearance > Widgets once your post is published. Just click on the Freshly Pressed widget to add it to your sidebar and choose your style.

Your post is among a number of other excellent posts this week; watch for it to appear in the next several days. We tweet each editor’s pick on Twitter @freshly_pressed, so follow us to know when your post is up and also to discover the top reads of the day.

Thank you for being part of the biggest and best community of bloggers around the world. We’re proud to be the platform that makes your voice heard.

Cheers,
Michelle

Michelle Weber / Chief Semicolon Advocate / WordPress.com

Might mean nothing to you but that’s one of my bucket list life ambitions checked off.  Seriously. Just. Like. That.

Honestly, I’m in a pickle today.  How do you celebrate the success of something that you desperately wish you had no reason to have done?   (Is that proper English?)

I am chuffed with how successful ‘I Stand Quietly’ has been in terms of views, reach, all that malarky.  I may, for a while, become the I-hate-you-its-the-end-of-the-month-I-need-something-to-make-me-cry-NOW lady fodder of choice!

I once told a wide-eyed (towards the crazy end of) alternative health practitioner that I didn’t really quite believe her treatment would work but that frankly I was at the stage where I would wave a dead pigeon over daughter’s head if I thought it would take away her pain.

Everything in my life centred around trying to make her less troubled.  I wasn’t on a mission to cure her of autism – this was long before we had a name for what caused her such distress – like any mother, I just wanted my little girl to be happy.

The trouble with this endeavour is that all this time spent on ‘I Stand Quietly’: it’s not made a jot of difference to her so far.  The voice in my head keeps mentioning that I don’t tend to do stuff like that.  Perhaps I should go back to googling my insomniac nights away ‘for her’ rather than blogging which is by contrast pretty much ‘for me’…

A few friends have asked me how I’m feeling about all this. Honestly I feel like I’m teetering on a tightrope. Awareness versus exploitation. Thrilled and yet wracked with Mummy guilt. It’s been very cathartic. It’s also the first real (creative) outlet I’ve gained pleasure from in a long time.

Since daughter was diagnosed, lots of people from autism-related professionals through to dear friends have urged me to do something ‘for me’.  Since December when the little one became essentially housebound, that has taken on a greater importance…

I am learning to understand that although I love her endlessly, I do need to I am a better Mummy if I get out of the house sometimes.

Also, for HER sake as much as mine, I’m not just another autism Mummy, I am also me.  We’re not just another autism family, we are a family that FECKING ROCK, that should be wooed for playdates and silently envied for how much we love each other.

I don’t think it’s wrong that my daughter learns that I have needs and desires too.  So maybe it’s fine for this to have been really good for autism awareness and also really good for ME.

Yay!  Go me!  Yay!

9 thoughts on “Do #istandquietly this morning? My big fat arse I do… #epicstrut #boom

  1. Wow! Pleased for you Jill. Nothing more than you deserve and you so deserve something for your ME! The autistic mum on ‘Strictly for the people’ last night echoed this feeling too and the judges supported her talking about the need for ME time as well as all her fantastic support work.

    Sooooooo! Enjoy your creative sessions writing. Like your wonderful cooking, I’m sure in your crazy hectic world it brings you a kind of relaxation and precious ME time. Keep it up, a lucky daughter of a fantastic Mum! Love you loads XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    >

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  2. Congratulations!
    I thought your #istandquietly piece was utterly heartbreaking and beautiful and brilliant. It is exquisitely written, and for that you deserve fanfares and high fives. But what you have written about deserves a goddamn parade. It sounds frustrating and distressing, and I imagine the fanfares are harder to come by. You sound like you are doing an amazing job of learning what makes life harder or easier for your daughter, and trying to adapt to her needs. Take any pleasure you can grab, from any success you can grasp. And please keep writing. For you, for your daughter, and for the other people who may find your blog and find the solace of company they may desperately need.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please do it! A friend passed this to me at 9 am and though I’ve been awake all night already, I’m revelling in another WordPress author who writes with confidence about something which feels risky and a bit -am I selfish?- to do.
    I blog -rather tentatively- the issue of being a disabled adult with cognitive and mental health problems as well as cerebral palsy (CP) who was told by a GP to have a termination, about what it feels like to be me after such an ultimatum and about the injustices of so-called ‘Welfare Reform’.
    Since the friend who shared ‘stand quietly’ is the same friend who enabled my blog to travel to the USA and a splendid set of supportive writers, educators and activists for gender identity and parenthood, I hope it seems like a good sign that people who really care what happens when you are neuro diverse, parenting, hurting or just writing and suffering good old “this isn’t my job” are rooting for you. Xxxx

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    1. Thanks for your comments! My peaceful hiding away morning has just come to an end with husband and daughter now bouncing on the bed wanting entertaining and feeding but later on when I get a chance, I will check out and follow your blog xxxx

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  4. Emotional wreck after reading MY story , written my another parent of an ASD child .We have done the same ‘waiting’ as have hundreds of other parents . Thank god your daughter has a mum that copes and understands so perfectly , just what her child requires , to just get through each day.
    Comforting and inspiring . bless you both .

    Pete , father of Isaac , our beautiful ,funny , unique boy with autism.

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  5. Good for you in starting a blog of your own!

    I loved “I stand quietly” after one of my sisters shared it with me and have been passing it round my contact circle (small) for the fantastic love it showed; the insight into a condition I was not previously aware of and your own brilliant writing ability!

    I know it must be immensely hard to have any time for yourself, but when you do get that precious moment, I’m amazed that you want to spend it with sharing with others.

    I write too, for various reasons, none as obviously difficult as yours, but I find doing so very much a release, so understand how helpful writing can be.

    So far, I’ve not had the courage to write as myself, but have a regular blog in my dog’s name and am also working on some children’s stories as another outlet. Writing stuff down, in whatever form, if helpful, so keep that up 🙂

    Take care of yourself as well as your beautiful daughter

    xx

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  6. I am so glad that you are finding time for yourself too – it is important to keep yourself sane and whole – if you don’t you won’t be any good to yourself and to your daughter….still praying for a miracle – love, love, love to you…

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